As everyone knows, in today’s uncertain and climate it is best to start taking a little better care of your personal hygiene. Nowhere is this stressed more than the need to wash your hands for at least twenty seconds. People encourage you to sing the “Happy Birthday” song, but that song is objectively terrible, so I thought I would provide some short monologues from the last great movie era, the Eighties.
This should go without saying, but the best way to deliver any hand-washing monologue is to stare straight in the mirror and speak in a low, but confident voice. Picture Mark Wahlberg monologuing to himself at the end of Boogie Nights. Don’t do his monologue though. It might get you arrested. Try these instead!
Listen, Hawk, this might be hard to believe, but I’m just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It’s just that when you’ve made your first billion by the age of nineteen, it’s hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, finally, I’ve got myself a new goal… World domination! – Richard E. Grant as Darwin Mayflower
Try this. It’s a little hot chocolate. There you go. That good, huh? Uh oh. I made a clean spot here. Now I’ve done it. Guess I’ll have to do the whole thing. Hard to believe there’s a little girl under all this. And a pretty one too. You don’t talk much, do you? I don’t know how you managed to stay alive. But you’re one brave kid. – Sigourney Weaver as Ripley
There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. – Jay Tarses as Coach Finstock
The Sure Thing
Your paper is dry, Alison. There’s not enough of you coming through. Loosen up, Alison. Have some fun! Yes, sleep when you feel like it, not when you think you should. Eat food that is bad for you – at least once in a while. Have conversations with people whose clothes are not color coordinated. Make love in a hammock! – Viveca Lindforsas as Professor Taub.
A lot of people don’t realize what’s going on. They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidents and things. They don’t realize that there’s this like, lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything. I’ll give you an example. Show you what I mean. Suppose you’re thinking about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly, somebody will say like, plate, or shrimp, or plate of shrimp. Out of the blue. No explanation. No point looking for one either. It’s all part of the cosmic unconsciousness. – Tracey Walter as Miller